it needs to be said.

i've came to the conclusion that my mom and her flying monkeys read my blog for pure entertainment and amusement. i say that because by now- if she REALLY fucking cared about me.. she'd have apologized a loonngg time ago and at least seen what she could do for me to help me feel better after my last bowel surgery. she's reading my blog to see how long she can get away with this shitty ass parenting before i totally snap on her or disown her completely or she may be figuring she can get away with this shit longer because she's my mommy and she can treat me however the fuck she wants! right.. WRONG. i have ptsd now because of this bullshit. YOU traumatized your own damn daughter and you must think of it as a joke because you STILL haven't apologized or even brought it up to me before in my whole life- i'm assuming it's because you think of me as a disposible person that you can pay attention to whenever it benefits you. seriously- how many other people can say they'd be alright with their mom using THEM as a shield to block their dad from kicking them? YOU WOULDN'T EVEN USE ANY OF YOUR FUCKIN DOGS AS A DAMN SHIELD TO BLOCK SOMEONE FROM KICKING YOU. WHY'S THAT? YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM TOO MUCH. don't come to me for ANYTHING again. it shouldn't matter to you seeing as you don't even care enough about me to apologize for something that could've been avoided if you HADN'T DRUG ME INTO THE QUARREL. i wasn't even involved in it. NOT UNTIL MY STUPID ASS MOM HELD ME UP IN FRONT OF HER WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER! yeah seriously- fuck you. it's just not convenient or beneficial for you to apologize to me like it is to pretend you actually care about me, so people won't help me move to somewhere i can be truly safe and constructive while being truly HAPPY because MISERY LOVES COMPANY. i didn't bust my ass off in school (wheelchair and all from 11th grade on) and physical therapy so i could bare my own weight and live independently (with like 5 hrs. of pca service a day) JUST SO I COULD LIVE BY A CARELESS, NARCISSISTIC BUM WHO ENJOYS PLAYING VICTIM EVEN WHEN IT MEANS PUTTING HER OWN DAUGHTER'S (I'M PRETTY POSITIVE SHE WOULDN'T EVER PUT MY SISTER IN THIS SITUATION THOUGH) SAFETY AT RISK TO PROTECT HER OWN STUPID ASS. people shouldn't wonder why i do some of the things i do- NOBODY cares about my well-being anyway! THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH DOESN'T EVEN VALUE MY WELL-BEING! she proved it when she put me in front of her when my dad was kicking her. THE TWO BOWEL SURGERIES I'VE HAD SO FAR PROVE IT ALONG WITH THE MANY DREAMS I'VE HAD FLASHING BACK TO THIS SHITTY ASS PARENTING WHILE HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD, CAUSING ME TO GET KICKED. she couldn't even take the iniative to check on me the second bowel surgery! my grandma probably made her act like she actually cared the first bowel surgery when my bowel was perforrated because of all the damage and trauma to it when BEING KICKED WHEN I WAS ONLY GOOD FOR A SHIELD WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING MY MOM! NO WONDER WHY HE WAS KICKING HER ACTING STUPID LIKE THAT. that's the thing- my mom must piss people off naturally because i admit there have been a lot of times where i've wanted to hit or kick her but i'm able to control my temper. my sister used to hit her and my sister's dad did too. my brother and i are the only people from our little family that haven't hit my mom. she deserves to be hit after putting her own daughter at risk while getting kicked by her dad (BUT DON'T WORRY! I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO FEEL HIS FOOT KICKING MY ABDOMEN!). I'M NOT SORRY FOR SAYING THAT EITHER. AS MUCH AS I DON'T MEAN TO BE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, YOU CAN TAKE THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT. since my mom doesn't feel it necessary to be caring towards me- I DON'T FEEL IT NECESSARY TO BE CARING FOR HER EITHER. i'm all i got and YOU AIN'T MAKING IT BETTER. many people who actually help me with everyday tasks agree that i'm past having to go to courage kenny. AFTER ABOUT 6 FUCKIN YEARS OF THAT BULLSHIT DOING THE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER WITHOUT THE THERAPISTS LETTING YOU PROGRESS BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU ANYWAY! (the NUMEROUS videos of me on facebook at courage kenny PROVE IT if it's not convenient for you to believe me since you don't REALLY care about me either!).. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT AMANDA AND MOM. if anything- that shit will cause me to do something stupid eventually if i get forced to waste any more of my time doing it. BUT HEY! MAYBE THAT'S WHY AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE) ARE SO SUPORTIVE OF ME WASTING MORE OF MY TIME THERE! SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE WHICH COULDN'T BE FURTHER THAN THE TRUTH!